la dolce vita

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

In deepest loving memory of my beloved grandpa who has passed away peacefully on the 18th June 2008.

A nightmare once which has sent tears down my eyes in my sleep before, struck unexpectedly in this middle of the night. The mourning and grief is so painfully heard and felt. It does not seem to stop, not in me neither in my love ones. His bed has been lying flat in which he will never to, this was never his practice even when grandpa was sound asleep. Despite of my continuous stroking of his cold face and tapping his soft wrinkle hands, grandpa could no longer give me any response, no head knock, no smile, nothing anymore. I lost you, this instant forever.

The kiss on the late 17th night supposingly is a routine kiss I usually offered to only you and grandma but nevertheless it's my last goodbye kiss for you grandpa. It hurts, hurts so badly that i couldnt bring tears to stop. We used to hand grip with each other remember ah gong? Still remembered the 17th evening rushing from work over to your side, preparing cereal for you cuz you said you wanna wait for ah ma's porridge despite how hungry you are, towel bath you cuz I know you're feeling warm, your body against mine as a support cuz they are massaging away your legs, holding your hands tight not letting go with your lil thumb gently stroking my hand, massaging your lil swollen foot and patting you to sleep awhile before you can complain how warm my hands are. These lil actions keep playing in my mind throughout, every day and realizing it's not a dream but a reality to face. Your good to me, to your kids, to your grandchildren and especially to ah ma, they are just so indescribable. Everyone knows it; everyone treasures it, that's why everyone felt so excruciating painful when you just left us silently. Tell me when my pain will ease, it is seriously unbearable.

Xiaogu said something; seriously we as his family members are just too selfish. His presence eases us but his pain is killing him alone inside. Grandpa is sacrificing his own pain to assure his love ones. No one could understand the pain he's bearing through I swear, the tears in his eyes pain our heart. Right now, my emotion is killing me, stabbing me. Why beautiful ties ended so fast? No one to call us to rush us back for dinner, no one to cycle from home to palai to bring home fresh fish for the family, no one to explain the tv synopses for ah ma, no one to accompany ah ma to market every morning. So many so many and it's never enough to just put them in words. But one fact, grandpa is never to suffer from pain again.

Be the goods and memories of grandpa be in our heart till death meets. And I really misses you so much. Rest in peace grandpa and we will shower your share of love to ah ma for the rest of life now.

12:00 AM