la dolce vita

Saturday, June 28, 2008

It's been more than a week now. To be exact it's the 10th day I lost someone so dearest to me. Days past yet memories are vividly imprinted. Not a day I cant ease my mind off with grandpa. Saying is a simple task, saying to let go is not as difficult as well. Looking through those photos with grandpa around our side is a bliss, thinking through you tear. His warmth smile, his grip, his hug, his words, his actions and his pain just seems like yesterday. I feel like forgoing all this memory cuz it's really hurtful knowing he wasnt by our side any longer.

Adapting to the new ambient now is the hardest thing we can do. Used to shout for ah gong ah ma even before stepping into their unit, but now it seems awkward. Yes, totally awkward in a sorrow way. Knowing I can only send my regards, my misses, my words and my thoughts just only through those silent prayers and murmur. Praying so hard, hoping all these silent messages can just be deliver to him.

On the 7th day, most of the grandchildren were staying over at grandma's unit. Yin, jl, von, vin, weijie and me were squeezing ourselves in grandparent's room. Hoping grandpa could come back yet none were feeling alright either. Majority barely had an hour or 2 hours of sleep. Grandma on the other side was waiting as well.

Grandpa returned back silently? We seek for an answer.

Treasures our love ones, have no regret.

12:48 AM

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

In deepest loving memory of my beloved grandpa who has passed away peacefully on the 18th June 2008.

A nightmare once which has sent tears down my eyes in my sleep before, struck unexpectedly in this middle of the night. The mourning and grief is so painfully heard and felt. It does not seem to stop, not in me neither in my love ones. His bed has been lying flat in which he will never to, this was never his practice even when grandpa was sound asleep. Despite of my continuous stroking of his cold face and tapping his soft wrinkle hands, grandpa could no longer give me any response, no head knock, no smile, nothing anymore. I lost you, this instant forever.

The kiss on the late 17th night supposingly is a routine kiss I usually offered to only you and grandma but nevertheless it's my last goodbye kiss for you grandpa. It hurts, hurts so badly that i couldnt bring tears to stop. We used to hand grip with each other remember ah gong? Still remembered the 17th evening rushing from work over to your side, preparing cereal for you cuz you said you wanna wait for ah ma's porridge despite how hungry you are, towel bath you cuz I know you're feeling warm, your body against mine as a support cuz they are massaging away your legs, holding your hands tight not letting go with your lil thumb gently stroking my hand, massaging your lil swollen foot and patting you to sleep awhile before you can complain how warm my hands are. These lil actions keep playing in my mind throughout, every day and realizing it's not a dream but a reality to face. Your good to me, to your kids, to your grandchildren and especially to ah ma, they are just so indescribable. Everyone knows it; everyone treasures it, that's why everyone felt so excruciating painful when you just left us silently. Tell me when my pain will ease, it is seriously unbearable.

Xiaogu said something; seriously we as his family members are just too selfish. His presence eases us but his pain is killing him alone inside. Grandpa is sacrificing his own pain to assure his love ones. No one could understand the pain he's bearing through I swear, the tears in his eyes pain our heart. Right now, my emotion is killing me, stabbing me. Why beautiful ties ended so fast? No one to call us to rush us back for dinner, no one to cycle from home to palai to bring home fresh fish for the family, no one to explain the tv synopses for ah ma, no one to accompany ah ma to market every morning. So many so many and it's never enough to just put them in words. But one fact, grandpa is never to suffer from pain again.

Be the goods and memories of grandpa be in our heart till death meets. And I really misses you so much. Rest in peace grandpa and we will shower your share of love to ah ma for the rest of life now.

12:00 AM

Saturday, June 14, 2008

One week had past. Came back home straight immediately after work almost everyday, to my grandpa's side as and when i could. Met up with the girls on thursday, at ps tcc. As usual im hooked to tcc tea, this time round there's not a single refill. Okay this is alil frustrating and disappointing. But it's the company there fills the ambient i guess. Goh, me and lam will support you okay! Our backsides will always be with you yea!

Came over to grandma's house early in the morning today. 8 in the morning before grandma went to this indian sinseh with yin. Mummy asked me what's with the big bag when i left home, i told her i'm leaving house soon. LOLS. But well, it's my lappy to my grandma's hos. =) Aunts they all planning for a mini father's day celebration tonight. Been trying ways to reduce the water retention on grandpa's feet. Rounds of massaging dont seem to help for long. As far as i can i told grandpa, grandma and me were competing to see who's more comfortable in the massage. Ah gong pronounced me in the end after forcing him to choose one winner. Well, grandma expected she claimed. Smile.

Baby went for linghan's pop this afternoon. Well, his ulterior motive is to snap pics for his big day.

I will see you tonight honey. I love our warmth night spent, always. Hug me tight tight tonight too okay!

Please ease my grandpa's pain away. I pray.

3:43 PM

Sunday, June 08, 2008

It's a deplorably bad and sad week for family. Grandpa fainted at his unit on mon, and everyone just thrown down their work and rushed down to hospital at once. No one had their eyes dry and clear. Waited the whole afternoon without catching a glance of grandpa only after he's warded to the ward. He's admitted to CCU and now he's diagnosed with this coronary heart disease on top of his drastic illness. I could do nothing but just pray and chant silently and painfully.

Grandpa's tears is downheartening, standing outside we could only swap our tears away secretly and standing strong beside to give him all our support and only support.

Really thanks to Dr Collin Jen on behalf of the Operation department for this surprise big basket of flowers and fruits after knowing my grandpa's condition. It's warms my heart that day seriously, thou with all the lil excuses u guys can come out with to wear my attention away. And yes, everyone was so worried that i cant carried it from office all the way to ttsh. But still i'm not a weakling i managed to, despite one flower actually left hanging out halfway through the crampy ride. But still, it brings a smile to my grandpa and a big joke out of it inside the ward with my family they all. I'm seriously touched by their words of concern every day though i'm just a minor part-timer in the company. Really thank you.

Staying by grandpa's side the whole day with yin today is a fulfilling day. Seeing grandpa's slowly progressing is a bless for us, especially to the whole family. Massaging his legs, time for medicine, time for meal, time for big business, time for lil conversation create even major bond in us. His smile is what we seeked for at the end of the day is truly enough. Hold on ur perseverance and determination, ah gong! Everyone is standing beside you, love is really seen.

Hopefully if everthing is smooth and fine, grandpa will be discharge tmr. We miss you so much, especially your presence at home is everything.

I want to give u more pecks on ur cheeks when u'r back ah gong.

Girls, thanks for the concerns. Greatly appreciated. I will meet up with u girls soon okay. Way too much to catch up with both.

Baby, thanks for standing beside me and my family. We love you, especially me your baby here.

Till then,
off to sleep.

12:05 AM

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Went to gina's house for her lil 1 yr old daughter's birthday. Whole maternal side was invited. Everyone was hoping to let esther park on them, cuz there's not a single tear or whine from her. Her brown and roundy eyes are inherited from her dad and beautiful fair skin from her young mum. Beautiful esthervina is ever dote and pampered by everyone of us indeed.

Baby lucas is there as well. We just saw our young days when joc, mandy, boxuan and lucas were playing around. Okay, it's exactly like us. Forever busy and cant settle down. Oh my. LOLS.

And this lucas forever has so many patterns.

Went over to grandma's house for awhile. Dinner at kele's area with family and baby after that.

After dinner, met up with CHAPS to surprise yan at her unit. It's her 21st and this mini surprise was a success! COOL. HAH. Wana go into house but because her 6 cats and her neighbour's dog frightened tan shi ying off so far far away! And my ultimate motive was to actually see her cats la. LOLS.

In the end, we settled down at yan's void deck and had a chaps' talk as usual again. HAH. Done, we walked over to jas's area and she drove each of us back. Yan was the last passenger cuz she wana send each of us back in jas's car. LOLS.

The visuals.

My saturday ended. Up and down with baby for awhile that day. Okay, hugs and cuddles ended all. Shakehead. =)

Movie with baby later on. Sex and the city!!!! YESH arh!

Oh ya, i felt alil lost cuz i missed out the funs on sat with the girls, leong and nuo-er. AWWW! UPDATE ME TOMORROW my dear girlss! Yesh, i'm meeting them tmr!
Love,
andrea.

1:18 PM